The Real Saul, Too Small

I'm continuing my little character study on Saul, taking a look at what made him tick.  And as I've said before, I think Saul's story and eventual downfall were a result of deep rooted insecurities, not necessarily pride and arrogance.  Last time, we looked at Saul's generational history, being a Benjamite, and carrying all of the family baggage that comes with being a Benjamite.  This time we're talking about something similar but alittle closer to Saul's heart. . .

In 1 Samuel 9's description of Saul, the author says, "Kish had a son named Saul, as handsome a young man as could be found anywhere in Israel, and he was a head taller than anyone else" (v. 2).  Saul was a good looking guy.  He was the tall dark and handsome type who probably made all of the ladies swoon.  He was of the Brad Pitt variety.  If you were to see Saul from a distance you'd probably expect that he was the most confident dude in the crowd.  He had the looks, the charm, the height. . . He was a commanding presence.

But the more you examine him the more you realize that while others saw a handsome, tall, commanding presence of a man, Saul failed to see that in himself.  The story that leads to his being chosen as king takes place in 1 Samuel 9 when Saul and a family servant go looking for some missing donkeys.  Luckily there was a local prophet around town named Samuel, whom Saul and his servant hoped would be able to harness his prophetic energy to find the animals (seems like an abuse of prophetic power to look for a couple of missing asses to me).  But as Saul approached Samuel, God spoke to Samuel and said, "This is the man I spoke to you about; he will govern my people" (9:17).  So Samuel got very excited and in his enthusiasm, let the cat out of the bag-- "God wants you to be king!" (that's a paraphrase).

Now you might imagine that a man like Saul, so tall and so handsome, was just brimming with confidence.  He's the JFK of the land of Israel-- young, handsome, charismatic, intelligent, wise.  People flock to Saul.  If you had those qualities, wouldn't you be confident?  But here's how Saul reacted when Samuel suggested that he' would be king.  "But am I not a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel, and is not my clan the least of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin?  Why do you say such a thing to me?"

Did you notice how different Saul's opening description in the chapter was from his own self-perception.  In the eyes of everyone around, Saul was "tall" and "handsome;" he was BIG; he was larger than life.  But to Saul, when he looked in the mirror, what he saw was someone who was not BIG, but "small". . . from a small tribe, from a small clan, from a small family, with a small history and a small future.  What Saul saw and believed about himself didn't match what the rest of the world saw.

It's kind of a Cinderella story.  Cinderella was the emotionally abused daughter of an evil step-mother and evil step-sisters.  They made her clean the floors and serve the rest in the family (luckily she had plenty of talking animals and fairies to help).  But through a magical turn in events, she became a princess.  There's a pumkin chariot, glass slippers . . . you remember the story.  But I wonder what happened after the prince married Cinderella.  We don't see that part of the story.  Does she ever wonder why she got chosen to be princess outta all the other girls when she came from such humble beginnings?  Does she ever have moments of doubt?  Did she ever commit some embarrassing faux pas in front of the Prince's fancy family and feel like she didn't deserve to be a princess afterall?  If you saw the Disney film you know she looked the part.  She was h-o-t, HOT!  But, even though she looked beautiful on the outside and appeared to be princess material when she got all fancied up, did she ever feel small on the inside?  Even after becoming a princess does she ever shed the feeling that she's just a custodial doormat for people.

I think the story of Saul is a Cinderella story about a guy from the smallest tribe, the smallest clan, a guy with a lot of potential, but no matter what anyone told him he was or could be, he felt small.  God told him he was king.  Samuel was the messenger.  The rest of the community told him he was tall and handsome.  When Saul looked in the mirror, he saw someone who was too small to matter.

I think Saul's experience is very similar to the experiences of many people.  One of the hardest things in the word to do is to actually believe in your heart what you know in your head to be true about you.  In extreme cases, there are people who have eating disorders, women who are skin and bones, dying of starvation, who will swear up and down that they're fat.  People will tell them they're fine . . . they're beautiful . . . but on the inside, they feel small.  The truth is, I think we all have at least a few of those nagging peices of self-doubt.  It may not be an appearance thing.  It could be about your personality, your family, your history, your future.  All of us have some little thing inside that challenges what God says about us, and continually reminds us of the lie that we're too small to matter.