The Real Saul, Sloppy Pitching

It was a little league baseball game, and I was only 11 years old.  I was not a particularly impressive athlete in any of my childhood sporting endeavors, including my short-lived stint in little league.  I spent most of my time in right field where I endured the boredom of the game by making mounds of grass and dirt, occasionally lifting my head in the off-chance that a ball was actually swatted in my general direction.  I was in little league baseball's "no-man's land."  But occasionally I had the opportunity to make the leap from least on the defensive roster to greatest.  On a few occasions, I was given the opportunity to pitch.  Pitching is the creme de la creme of little league.  And I actually spent some time practicing my pitching between games.  I wanted to pitch. . . badly.

I remember one particular evening when I was called to take the mound.  I had been practicing all week to pitch.  I knew I had it in me.  I'd seen the other pitchers in action, and I wanted to be as good as them.  I took the mound with confidence.  And for about half an inning, I was pitching pretty well.  I threw some strikes.  I got some kids out.  I felt pretty good.  But soon my arm started to get tired.  I threw a pitch or two that were nowhere near the plate . . . and then my confidence sank.  Whatever confidence I had left me in the blink of an eye.  I began to wonder: "Am I really good enought to be the pitcher?"  I threw pitch after pitch after pitch after pitch, and not a single one of those pitches came close to the strike zone.  Soon, I became so frustrated and anxety-ridden that I broke down and started sobbing right there in the center of the baseball diamond.  Still, the coach (who happened to be my father) didn't take me out of the game, so I pitched and cried, and I walked batter after batter.  I probably walked in 6 straight scores for the other team.  As I lost confidence in my own abilities, and as my anxiety grew higher, I got worse and worse and sloppier and sloppier until I finally was removed completely . . . and by then, I was thankful to get the boot.

I think about that episode in my life sometimes, and I thought about it some more when I was reading this particularly painful saga in the life of Saul.  Saul had experienced some success in overcoming his own insecurities about his leadership potential in my previous post, but all that confidence building fell by the wayside in this passage.  There were two particular instances in Saul's life that indicate that Saul's deep insecurities had crept up out of the shadows to haunt him once again.

In the first instance, from 1 Samuel 13, Saul gathered at Gilgal with 3 thousand troops, awaiting a battle with the Philistines.  They were outmatched, but God had chosen Saul to be king and He promised Saul military success as long as he trusted in Him and obeyed Him.  In God's economy, it did not matter the number of troops, chariots, or weapons one's enemy has.  When God is in your corner, He can't be stopped.  Saul knew this.  But still, anxiety overtook him.  Saul didn't stand up to his enemies with confidence.  He and his soldiers "hid" in caves and thickets (v. 7), and all of his troops quaked with fear.  So when Samuel was delayed in coming to offer a ritual sacrifice on the army's behalf, Saul simply made the sacrifice himself.

Samuel took great exceptionto Saul's decision to play priest for the day.  On the surface, it's hard to blame Saul.  Samuel was late, the Philistines were approaching, Saul wanted to seek God's favor . . . something had to be done right?  But below the surface, something else is going on here.  If you look back at Deuteronomy 20, there's an important law that Moses had given regarding sacrifice and war hundreds of years before Saul.  Moses said:

"When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army.  He shall say, 'Hear Israel: today you are going into battle against your enemy.  Do not be terrified or give way to panic before them.  For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory'" (Deut. 20:2-4).

See, the priest's sacrifice and address to the army was a means of subduing their fear of the enemy, and elevating their confidence in the power of God.  Saul's sacrifice had the opposite effect.  He made the sacrifice alright, he went through the ritual, but it was ritual born from panic and anxiety, which led to panic and anxiety and sloppiness throughout his whole army.  Why didn't Saul just wait?  Didn't he trust God.  Didn't he trust Samuel?  I think he refused to wait because Saul still dealt with those deep insecurities.  And all insecurities are rooted in fear, leading to anxiety, which tends to lead to sloppy choices.

Saul made another sloppy choice shortly after.  Saul's son, Jonathon and his armor bearer showed significant bravery against the Philistines.  The two of them climbed a cliff reaching the Philistine outpost and they killed 20 men between the two of them.  Meanwhile, the king . . . the one who should have been leading that kind of charge . . . the one who should have trusted God to begin with who promised to fight on his behalf. . .  Saul was on the outskirts of town, sitting underneath a pomegranate tree, completely unaware that Jonathan had even left (14:2-3).  His insecurities led him to anxiety, which led him to another incredibly sloppy choice.

And that is the aspect of an insecurity that I find particularly dangerous.  My insecurity concerning a sensitive area of my life can cause me to feel anxiety about that issue, and anxiety always tends to force rash, and sloppy choices.  People who struggle with their weight often find circular behavior that contributes to their weight problems.  They feel insecure about their appearance, and this insecurity leads to occasional anxiety about their appearance, and the anxiety causes a stronger desire to submerge themselves in food to numb the anxiety.  A person who feels insecure in social situations often copes with the anxiety those moments create by simply avoiding them all together or regressing into non-social behavior.  But that's only a means of dealing with the anxiety, not the insecurity.  The insecurity -- the voice that tells you no one wants to hear you, or that no one likes you -- that's the lie and the fear that has to be addressed and destroyed.  That's wisdom.  When we act out of fear, we're simply reacting to an anxiety that leads to foolish choices and bad behavior.  It's sloppiness.  And as Saul's life continues, and his insecurities grow within him, Saul's sloppiness, anxiety, and poor choices will become more and more evident.