Right now it's 4:00 AM on a Texas Tuesday morning, 2 days before Christmas. I've been up most of the night sick. And this isn't just a minor cold, or tummy ache. This is the gruesome, explosive kind of sick that only shows up once in 2 or 3 years, and forces you to the bathroom in regular 15 minute intervals.
How did this happen? It's my own stupid fault. Last night, in an effort to ward off what felt like an impending cold, I went grazing through my parent's medicine cabinet to find some kind of cold medicine. There in the corner of the cabinet was "Airborne." Airborne became popular a few years ago, and people I know swore by it's powers of cold prevention. It's a little tablet that you drop in a glass of water like an alka seltzer, it fizzles, and you drink it. It's supposed to have Vitamin C in it or something, and so if your timing is right, you can take it before the start of a cold turns into a full blown cold (or so they say).
So I took the airborne late last night. This morning, I woke up with a bit of a sore throat so I took another. When I got home this afternoon I took a 3rd to try to finish off whatever remained of my cold-- which seemed to have vanished. However, by that point I had begun to notice a knot developing in my stomach. I'd noticed it in the afternoon, and I even noticed it late last night. And as I was chugging my 3rd Airborne concoction, there it was again! Finally, my Sherlock Holmes-esque powers of deductive reasoning kicked in as I wondered to myself, "Hmmmm. I wonder if there's a connection between this queezy feeling I have in my stomach and the Airborne I've been downing?" Low and behold, when I checked the expiration date on the box, there was my answer: October 2007. For you math whizzes, that means those 3 tablets of airborne I had taken were over a year past expiration.
I'd learned in a previous genius moment that taking expired medicine is a bad idea. Side effects can include projectile vomiting and explosive diarreah. So as I stared at that box of Airborne, I knew I was probably in for a long night. Unfortunately, I was right.