The Real Saul, Irrational Rage

Have you ever tried the "mentos and coke" experiment?  A few years ago, some genius in the field of physics and junk food discovered that if you add a whole bunch of mentos (you know . . . the fresh maker?) to a 2 liter bottle of any soda (if you live in Texas, "soda" is another word for "coke," a generic term used to describe all carbonated beverages so that beverages such as Dr. Pepper and 7UP aren't confused with those specifically made by the coca-cola company.  Just a primer in Midwestern lingo.) it erupts like a volcano shooting Mr. Pibb 10-15 feet in the air.  Here's the video proof in case you're curious.  Why the talk about mentos and spewing volcanoes of pop?  Because that's the best metaphorical way I can express how absolutely, upside down, crazy pissed I can get sometimes over stupid things.  It's an eruption.  Now, I'm a pretty laid back guy.  I'm not a maniac.  I'm not on prozac or any other medication, and I know I don't need to be.  But I've erupted before.   

And I know I'm not the only one, because I've had more than a few people erupt like that around me.  And those massive blow ups aren't always for rational reasons.  I've seen blow ups for very rational reasons.  My dad totally cussed me out for the first and only time after I wrecked his pickup.  That was an eruption, but it made sense.  I'm talking about the eruptions that are totally "coocoo for coco puffs," and everybody does it based on one or two taboo subjects.  Everybody has that one or two subjects which, if it's discussed, jeered, or joked about, it can matastacize into a full blown cancer of rage.  EVERYBODY.  You might not verbalize your rage.  But there's something that stirs inside of you that feels like a fireball in the pit of your stomach, and for reasons you cannot explain, you will become extraordinarily angry.

So, since you've had the chance to reconnect with your inner lunatic, I hope there is a better chance that you will identify with Saul in this passage.  'Cause Saul gets alittle nutty.  Let me give you just a glimpse at what I mean: "But an evil spirit from the Lord came on Saul while he was sitting in his house with his spear in his hand [seems like an inopportune time for an evil spirit to come on a dude].  While David was playing the lyre, Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall" (1 Sam. 19:9-10).  Now I've been ticked before, but never so ticked that I tried to harpoon a guy in the thorax.  Why is he angry?  Where's the rage coming from?

Well, this little series of mine is all about insecurities and how Saul's been struggling with certain insecurities his whole life, namely insecurities about his ability to be king.  And along comes David, a very capable, arrogant, good-looking kid who seems to be able to do and accomplish all of the things that Saul was no longer able to do.  And so Saul became jealous.  And what we're starting to see is that jealousy turn into murderous rage.  David's success shines a great big spotlight on Saul's greatest weakness  and frailty.  Women sang about it: "Saul has killed his thousands and David his tens of thousands" (18:7).  And so Saul erupts like a bottle of soda and mentos.  And it's not just a one time occurance.  Saul becomes a complete maniac throughout the rest of the book.  He becomes obssessed with killing David.  He chases him all over Israel, makes numerous attempts on his life, even after David twice spared the life of Saul.  By this point, Saul has left the reservation for good.

See anger has lots of causes, but the irrational, unwarranted, overblown rage that we sometimes experience is caused by our insecurities.  Every married couple knows it.  It only takes a few months for a spouse to figure out all of their husband's/wife's secret buttons.  And every spouse knows, all you have to do is hit that button anytime you want to get back at 'em for something he/she did or said.  And every person who has ever been in any relationship knows that you have certain buttons too.  And when those buttons get pushed you feel an anger like none other.  And the reason is, when those buttons get pushed, they touch on some deep insecurities and fears and weaknesses that you feel and wrestle with everyday.

Here's a personal example.  About 10 years ago I was working at a case management agency in Amarillo, Texas and I became good friends with a co-worker of mine.  We talked all the time, joked all the time, made fun of each other all the time in a friendly ribbing sort of way . . . it made for a fun work environment in a job that was not all that compelling.  One day she was re-explaining a story to me that she had already told me the day earlier, which I had either completely forgot or never really heard to begin with.  And when I told her it was the first time I'd heard it, she said, "Jeez David.  You weren't even listening to me when I told you this the other day."  Now to her, that was a pretty benign (and true) statement.  To me, it felt like a square kick in the groin, and I was moody and didn't talk to her the rest of the day. 

I know, very mature.  Here's why I reacted the way I did: when I was growing up, I heard the statement, "David, you're not liiiiisteniiiiing!"  about 80 times a week.  Both of my parents were constantly on my case for not paying attention to them.  When I was in elementary school, I COULD NOT, despite my very best efforts keep from daydreaming in class.  Teachers constantly yelled at me for not paying attention to them.  At one point, my mom even took me to some learning specialist to have tests run because she was certain that I had some kind of screw loose that prevented me from being able to "listen."  They actually checked my hearing to see if I was actually able to hear things . . . I kid you not.  I probably would've been diagnosed as one of about a billion kids with ADD and given a bowl full of Ritalin if I went to those same people today.  But I just couldn't help it, and I got nagged my whole childhood about "not paying attention."

So as innocent (and true) as my friend and co-worker's statement was about me not listening, she inadvertently touched a nerve that ran all the way back to the third grade when Mrs. Carr used to call me out and belittle me in front of all my classmates.  And here's the thing . . . I still daydream sometimes, and sometimes I realize a few minutes into a conversation that I've been nodding my head like I'm listening but haven't heard a thing they've said.  But honestly, it doesn't happen that often.  I've pretty much outgrown my "not listening" thing.  The trouble is, that insecurity is still there.  That lie is still imbedded deep inside.  But I'm happy that I have become more aware of my buttons.  I think once we identify the buttons that set us off, we have a better chance at diffusing them.  We realize how stupid they really are.  We realize how silly we're being.  Unfortunately, we often miss the most dangerous ones that hide themselves like land mines in our hearts, set to erupt on some innocent bystander who never sees it coming.