A People of Need: Relationships

I'm continuing the series I started a few weeks ago about the subject of "need" . . . the idea that being a person who needs is somehow integral to my walk with God.  Today, I'm talking about some of the things I've been thinking about with regard to relationships.

I mentioned in a previous post that I recently took a trip to Dallas to visit my Grandfather.  This is what happened: a few months ago, my Grandfather, while driving, made a sudden turn into the post office parking lot from the far left lane, cutting across a van full of children.  They collided with the van (luckily none of the children were hurt), and both of my Grandparents were left black and blue and with a few fractures.

In the weeks to come, both of my Grandparents ended up in a rehabilitation clinic.  My Grandfather took a hard fall one morning and had to be taken to a separate hospital, and in the subsequent days, he hit a rapid decline due to some mini-strokes and his cracked pelvis.  His ailing body was taking a toll on his spirits, but do you know what was hardest for him?  Having to be apart from my Grandmother.

Funny thing is, if you had known them 10 years ago, you never would have guessed that a short period of separation from my Grandmother would have ever bothered him at all.  My Grandparents have been married for over 60 years, which is an amazing achievement.  But my observation of their relationship had always been that much of their marriage was spent simply existing together.  I rarely saw affection between them.  They spoke to each other, but my Grandfather sometimes did so cruelly or in the form of a command.  To me, they seemed miserable together.  So as amazing of an achievement as 60+ years of marriage was, it felt alittle like a hollow victory to me.

But it had been several years since I'd seen my Grandparents, and on my visit two weeks ago, something had clearly changed.  At one point, he leaned in close to me and said, speaking about my Grandmother, "I sure do miss her.  I've really grown to cherish her in recent years." 

And I believe him.

You see, in the past ten years, both of them have grown more and more and more dependent on each other.  My Grandmother has been in a battle with Alzheimer's, and her short term memory is nearly completely shot.  My Grandfather, on the other hand, has lost alot of strength and command of his body. And that's what, in these latter stages of their lives, has made them such a great pair.  His memory is better than my Grandmother's so he's stepped up to help her with mental tasks.  And my Grandmother was doing better physically, so she could help him with his physical needs.  And so together, they sorta formed one whole person.  They needed each other in order to get by.  And they needed to need each other.  

It was a touching moment when I drove my Grandmother to my Grandpa's hospital after being apart for several days.  It was like bringing a 16 year old girl to meet her date at the prom.  She kept asking me how her hair looked, and I reassured her that it was beautiful; seconds later she'd ask how her hair looked again, and I told her again, it was beautiful.  She walked in the room, saw him lying in his bed, and she scooted her walker as fast as she could to get to his side.  She sat next to him, and they both kissed, hugged, held each other's hand, and cried together.  

 She wiped her tears, telling him, "You need to keep working hard so you can get out of here and come to the rehab center with me," and he listened patiently even though she repeated herself a dozen times.  And when his body couldn't take it anymore, she continued to sit by his side, holding his hand gently, and watching him like a protector as he slept.

I can't help but think that what transformed their relationship was the fact that they rediscovered how much they really needed each other.  They relied on each other for everything.  For the simple, every day stuff: cooking, cleaning, using the bathroom, changing their clothes. . . And I think they discovered how much they needed each other's love and companionship in the process.

It's a great reminder that real relationships aren't just for convenience.  The best relationships are those in which both parties mutually need each other in a deep way.  In order for a friendship or relationship to be real, I have to need that person's friendship.  I have to benefit from it.  And the opposite is true as well.  If I am to be a good friend (or boyfriend or husband), I need to help you see why you need me.  If I need you more than you need me, then eventually I am going to become a major emotional drain on you, and the shelf life for that relationship is pretty short.

That's a kinda crass explanation, as if we all determine relationships based on cost/benefit analysis.  But I suppose my point is that my feeling of love for the people in my life is tied directly and inexplicably to my need for them.  I think my grandparents rediscovered love in the precise moment they rediscovered their need for each other, and I believe it's worth pondering why we need the people in our lives who are important to us.  What is it about those people that we really need?  Is it simple companionship?  Do you need a good intellectual conversant?  Do you need a person who can make your laugh become a cackle?

Comments

[Gloria Herrick]

What a beautiful observation. We do need to be needed. We all want to know that the love we show for those in our lives is appreciated, but in the same way we must never forget to show our appreciation (physically and verbally) to the important people in our lives. Happy Valentine's day, David. I love you!!